New Portrait: The Kiddos

My ever gracious alively host, Alexander, has produced a new portrait of my children:

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I adore it.  I adore everything about it.  Especially all the little touches that make it so extraordinarily specific to them and their relationship.

What’s that?  You want me to discuss the portrait?  You want me to go on at length about my children? How kind.

I’ll start with Mira, as she jumped off the page first.  I mean, of course she did.  Look at her.  That is the hair of a child who likes to be noticed.

She denies it, but it’s true.

Every once in a while, she lets me soothe it with relaxer into these utterly stunning waves, straight out of the 1920s.  Or she lets Popa braid it in intricate Roman fashion.  But on the whole, wild and unruly is her chosen style.

Likely, that’s on account of the fact that her entire person is wild and unruly.  She is the sort to run straight towards danger.  She has a knack for finding the jagged edges on the world, where transformations are most like to happen, and brazenly flinging herself through them catching her omnipresent tutus on the way by.  She subdues ordinary friction and drama with a glance, but only to create friction and drama that more suits her.  She exists for the unexpected, and when things are going as expected, she creates it.

It can be a bit exhausting keeping up with her.  I have more than once rolled my eyes in a parent-teacher sit down where she sullenly explains that ‘the vase was bound to break anyway’ or ‘he had it coming’.

But we’ve found outlets for her particular brand of crazy.  Modeling, for instance, has proved a brilliant success, as it suits her desire to be seen, to destroy for the sake of art, and to gallop through adult spaces and dare anyone to question her presence.  We also let her go on solo walkabouts at the end of the summer (although they have shortened in length, and she didn’t even go last year).  And we let her have the odd glass of wine or champagne, often in front of the fire, where we encourage her to start creating through-lines in her philosophies and settle some of her anxious spirit.

We’ve also placed strictures, of course.  Lately we insisted that she must learn to read, which engages her in the portrait.

Jeremy–J–already knows how to read.  In fact, his position in this portrait is that of silent support, with the occasional correction, as Mira tolerates his interventions over anyone else’s.

That’s likely on account of the fact that J is the most patient, gorgeous, efficacious empath I have ever met.  Ever.

I recently ran across an article that introduced me to the idea of ‘holding space’ for someone–existing on the periphery or centre of the lives around you, as needed, and swooping in or pulling back based on the requirements of others; providing support without judgement, advice, or didactic intention.

J holds all of us.

He holds you, even though you’ve never met, I swear to god.

He tells us that he was just made with an extra big heart, and that he chooses to fill it with love and kindness.  Truly, this child…

Actually, that brings me to another point.  Although J cannot remember how he died, Marcus and I suspect that it had something to do with his heart.  His vocabulary is very heart-centric.  He will tell us his heart is sad, when he’s upset.  When he’s happy, his heart is happy.  When he’s ecstatic, he often bursts into tears or falls asleep, because there’s not enough room in his heart for all his love.

He’s also rather small for his age–a suspected 4–and he sports ever-present circles under his eyes.  He moves carefully, without the wild abandon of most toddlers, and sometimes we catch him taking a deep breath, almost as if to prove that he can.

We presented these lingering symptoms and behaviours to a pediatric death doctor–literally a ghost who helps little ones sort through their departures–and he agreed that it was likely some sort of failing of the heart that took J out of the alively world.  A cardiomyopathy of some sort.

J seems utterly uninterested in diagnosing his death–Marc and I attended to this for our own edification and won’t be sharing the results with J unless he asks.

And that’s fine by us.  We are more than happy to let him be what he is–careful, considered, and yet ephemeral and liminal.  Almost otherworldly, at times, despite the warmth of his cuddles and his position as the flexible backbone of our family unit.

Other notes on the portrait:

The pets are Cozy–Lady Costanza of Motherfuck Island–and Earl Pink.

Those wings, J would want you to know, were a Christmas present last year–balsa wood reinforced with teak and embedded with jade.  I made them, with help from Delphi for the stone settings.  They’re one of a growing collection of faerie wings, which J hangs up around his room and selects each morning with the seriousness of a man selecting cufflinks for an interview.  A pair of puffy wings with safety straps hang on J’s frog bed, so that he can be a faerie prince as he sleeps.

Yes, we field a lot of comments–vicious and curious, alike–about J’s hair.  He said it best himself, when asked if he was a boy or a girl: Mostly I’m a faerie.  I’m also four. 

Yes, we also field a lot of comments about Mira’s hair.  Or she does.  With a reckless abandon for profanity.

(We tried to get her to swear less for a while, as seemed a befitting sort of thing for a parent to do.  But she reminded us that she was over a century old, and therefore our ‘children shouldn’t swear’ argument held as much water as a sieve.  She also challenged us to consider whether or not we would be so concerned about her filthy mouth if she were not a girl.  Chagrined, we decided, fuck it.  Fuck it, she agreed.)

Yes, I have the best children. Naturally.

Psychic Health for Alivelies

Been a while since I’ve addressed anything fully ghost-centric, right?

To that end, I applied to my mate Jacques, a brilliant addition to Ghost Club Admin, for information I could pass on to you regarding both protections against/contact from ghosts and energies.

I’ve spent some time reducing his answer, pulling out what I thought would be most useful, condensing things into easy category, prying apart as much jargon as possible.

Still a bit long…but what you’ll find below is a sort of guide for understanding and reacting to contact from ‘the other side’.  I’ve tried to arrange things in steps, from point of first contact through to closure.  I’ve also addressed sanctioned and unsanctioned contact, alike.  Hopefully this provides some peace of mind to the unwilling alively, and some grounding for those of you who have reached out to us ghosties.

Let me know if questions remain, or if I’ve spurred a new inquiry.  I may or may not be able to answer–rules, you know–but I’ll be honest with you, either way.

Step One: Interpreting First Contact

A) Is your visitor ephemeral–more of a feeling or disruption than a sense of human presence?  Then you’ve likely walked into a pocket of collected, formless energy.

B) Is your visitor humanoid and based on location?  As in, did you encounter this ghost at a historic site, at someone else’s house, in a natural setting?  If so, it is tied to a specific place, and the visit is not about you.  In fact, you are the visitor.

C) Is your visitor humanoid and following or attending to you?  As in, does the ghost seem to react to you specifically?  Is the ghost in your own home?  If so, then you are being either (i.) officially or (ii.) unofficially haunted.

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(iii.) or you’ve some tossers in the front garden.

If you are being (i.) officially haunted, you will know within the space of six months–that’s all the longer we are allowed to visit our targets.  So, the contact will initiate, build, and then immediately drop off.  If you’re looking for them, you’ll find indicators within that six month period that your visitor is following the rules and just having a bit of fun.  For instance, an official haunt can make noises, cause breezes, open doors, etc., but we may. not. touch. you.  We also come and go, because official haunting is a club-sanctioned, after-work sort of hobby.

If you are being (ii.) unofficially haunted, then the contact could last longer than six months.  Again, if you pay attention, you might know before the six-month threshold if your visitor is unofficial.  The activity will be sporadic in intensity and mood, but the presence will be constant.  It may also look as though someone else is living in your space–signs of kitchen use, lingering scents or temperatures in oft-used spaces like living rooms or dens, moved books, a temperamental telly.  And you may experience physical touch, although it is rare and generally unintentional, as in, not vicious in intent.

Step Two: Reacting Positively to First Contact

A) Ephemeral contact will likely dissipate, and rather quickly, so just enjoy the sensations while they last.  If you’re skilled at energy absorption, feel free to claim some of the ephemeral for yourself.  But be aware that you cannot change the character of energy you absorb–take on only that with which you intend to live.

B) Do not tamper with a ghost tied to a specific location.  They are not here for you, and your manipulations, even if well-intended, might disrupt their way of afterlife.  Trust us to take care of them, to meet their needs.  But do feel free to enjoy the way their presence deepens your experience of the space they occupy.

C)  You can choose to co-habitat with your official or unofficial visitor, particularly if you find their presence to be congenial.  If that’s your intention, see Step Four on returning contact. However, if you find you want your home back to yourself, then remain calm and follow Step Three.

Step Three: Severing Contact

A) Dissipation.

B) There is no need to sever contact for a ghost tied to location.  Please leave them be.

C) For hauntings specific to you, do exactly the opposite of literally anything they do on ghost hunting shows…

(i.) If you do not want to be officially haunted, simply say so.  That’s all it takes. We read salt-flinging, seances, and holy water as signs of returned contact and escalate our haunting accordingly.  We also think they are hilarious.

(ii.) If you find that your calm ‘cease and desist’ did not work, then you are dealing with an unofficial ghost and you must signal to the afterlife that you need help detaining them.  All you have to do is suggest to the unofficial visitor that perhaps they would like to pass on, and we will attend to the rest.

Note: I am not saying that you should try to take control.  You do not have the power to pass someone on.

Instead, you have the power to make a suggestion of a passing, written or spoken, directly after you experience some sort of contact.  Once the visitor hears you and begins to contemplate for themselves where they should like to spend their afterlives, we, on the other side, become much more aware of their existence.  If they find that they do wish to pass on, we have therapists who can help them take that step.  If they find that they don’t, we can help them integrate them more fully into our systems and away from yours.

Let us do our work.  And give us a week or so to respond.

Step Four: Returning Contact

A) Enjoy the sensation or absorb some energy.

B) Say hello, and leave it at that.

C) If you are certain you are being (i.) officially haunted, and you are certain you want to return contact, by all means, go absolutely completely nutter.  Leave us notes, hold a seance, set up a camera, call your mates, do a massive over-the-top cleansing.  Essentially, do act like those absurdist ghost shows.  We love a good sport, and if you wink at us, we’ll wink at you.  It’ll be grand.

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Q: Did…did the ghost just call us ‘wankers’?     A: Undoubtedly, yes.

However, on the off chance that you’re wrong, and you’re not being officially haunted, you risk offending your (ii.) unofficial visitor with such silliness.

Therefore, it’s always a good idea to initiate contact with a simple ‘hullo’.  Ask a few questions to establish the strength of occupancy and level of awareness.  Essentially, err on the side of politeness and earnestness, to start.  From there, you can move to tongue-in-cheek if appropriate.

But do not be aggressive.  For an official ghost, it ruins the fun. For an unofficial ghost, it can lead to retaliation.

Step Five: Dealing with Threats

A)  Aggressive energies can be rather nasty, often ‘demonic’, which is to say, if you believe in demons, the energies will attune to that belief, and if you don’t, they’ll become something more poltergeist.

The best thing to do in this situation is a cleanse, first and foremost.  Move through your space, marking doorways and windows with sage or salt.  Then, bring in calm friends and family to diffuse the aggressive energy in the space.  Energy collections fall apart rather easily when their attachments multiply.

If you attracted an aggressive energy because you were attempting psychic work of any kind, momentarily abandon that work.  Review your notes and look for any signs of dominance, demands, or orders you may have given.  Rewrite and reconfigure so that you appear subservient and welcoming.  Take a few weeks off before returning to attempts.

If you can’t handle the idea of being subservient, then you should not be tampering with the psychical.

B)  Simply leave the space.

C)  If you’ve followed the above steps, neither an official nor an unofficial haunting should reach the point where you feel threatened.  Either you’re in on our game, you’re open to cohabitation, or you’ve alerted the proper ghostly authorities and we’re on our way to help.

If you haven’t followed the steps, you might feel threatened because you’ve initiated the threat.  If that’s the case, stop being an arsehole.

You might also feel threatened because you called in help from someone with their own psychical baggage, and they’ve brought that into your space.  So do be careful where you apply for help.

Or, you might feel threatened simply on account of the unfamiliarity of these things.  Hence my attempt at education.

Step Six: Optional: Welcoming Further Contact

A) If you enjoy the sensation of positive energy, or want to work on absorption, by all means, read up on such things.  I have no specific advice on the matter, other than to advise caution.

B) Mindfully visit haunted locations.  Be aware that you are the interloper.

C) If you loved being the target of an (i.) official haunting, let us know!  Either play along, or leave us a note stating that you enjoyed the interaction.

If you find that you are comfortable with your (ii.) unofficial haunt, be kind to them.  Map your own routines onto the ones you see them building–as in, leave the telly on their station once in a while, or ask before you turn on the lights in a space you know they tend to occupy.  Be sweet to the people you find, and be ready to part ways if they so choose to move on.  And be aware that unofficial ghosts are not your personal link to the afterlife.  They are not spirit guides or familiars–they are simply people gone before you who may need a friend.  If they choose to give you more information about planes of existence, that’s up to them.

About Those Spirit Guides

A) Learning to collect or absorb energies may alert afterlife entities to your presence.  If you’re looking to make a connexion, this is one way to go about it.  But you may not always make a connexion you like.  Again, I advise caution.  Close circles, groundings, prayers, meditations, etc.  Create a periphery for your home.  Don’t be stupid.

B) Nope, still not for you.

C) Friends and family members who have passed on get…uh…first dibs? on (i.) official haunting targets.  And in this case, the contact is almost always reciprocal, protective, and tending toward guardianship.  Family and friends may choose to make themselves your personal helpmates, and you are free to behave in such a way as deepens your connexion to them.   In this case, seance, salts, or personally/spiritually meaningful approaches will be taken with the utmost of seriousness.

There are also (ii.) unofficial ghosts and alivelies who form connexions for one reason or another, with the unofficial visitor taking on a guardian role, or with the alively acting as a researcher.  Famously, alivelies what can initiate these relationships call themselves mediums.  But a real medium is a rare thing.  Most people of minor talent have simply opened themselves up to neutral invasion, not actual reciprocity.

Finally, if you feel a deepening connexion, official or not, be aware that there are rules to Ghost World.  Many of your questions will go entirely unanswered, especially those you are asking on behalf of others.  We are only allowed to give out so much information, and instead, we will try to be comforting or warning, as the situation requires, and hope that you are strong enough to figure out the rest.

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